Saturday, February 23, 2008

process. fucking process.

so, i know what i'm going to be when i grow up.... but then days like today i look at my work and wonder if anything exciting is really happening. maybe the stuff i painted 2 years ago had more to it. what am i trying to say - do i need to say anything - am i saying too much - i can say or not say whatever i want - the corner of my studio where my paintings pile up really don't care. maybe i really need to head back into youth work. honestly, i'm pretty good at it.
i think i'm entering into the process - learning to trust that as i start to paint somethings become clear and some need to fade away. but maybe it's just a trick i'm playing with myself.
i think i'm searching, discovering - but maybe i just want to believe that so badly that i can't create space for other alternatives.

maybe some day i will figure something out and then just be in it - not need to constantly question - not always having to doubt. maybe i will have one answer in one small place in my life.
maybe then i can stop smoking.

4 comments:

Jag said...

Is it not possible to be a constant inquirer? Maybe that's your calling....I'm pretty sure it's mine.

corrie said...

i'm pretty sure i am. it's just so exhausting sometimes.

Jag said...

Yeah, I guess being confused doesn't exactly pay the bills. But, and you probably already know this, just because you're a Youth Worker or an Office Clerk or a McDonald's manager doesn't mean you're not an artist.

corrie said...

it doesn't mean that i'm not - and yet when my work gets stressful or even just is 8 hours a day i have no energy left to envision anything, let alone produce something. i guess that's the joy of being a student...i have never been as satisfied with anything as i am spending time in my studio - even on the days when i just want to turn my brain off for awhile.