mediating moderation

when i lost a bunch of weight a number of years ago i remember the amazing feeling of being able to fit into everything. until that point clothes that i liked and fit were few and far between so i was in the habit of buying anything i found that looked good on me. it took a few years to get all of that under control.
now i'm a full time student and all my work outside of school work is also creatively oriented. and i find myself in the same place - i am used to creative ideas having lulls between them but they are coming at a constant pace. and i'm not quite used to not acting on them so i never manage to slow down as i keep getting a new idea and needing to do something with it.
in a few years perhaps all this too will be under control...

a desire for declarations.

sometimes - always - i wonder what i believe. faith in something bigger was not a choice in my younger years - is it now?
i want it to be.
some times.
the 'some' gets longer and longer.

is it time to leave the word christian behind?
the bullshit that surrounds this must be separated from.
i've been trying redefine this word for long times.
maybe now i need to cut it off.
and with disdain look at the pieces.

but i have never been able to do anything black.
or white.

only grey.



what do i do with the ropes that have tied me to all this?
the small fragile threads still exist in me
- yet -
they are not as easy to break as i might like.

process. fucking process.

so, i know what i'm going to be when i grow up.... but then days like today i look at my work and wonder if anything exciting is really happening. maybe the stuff i painted 2 years ago had more to it. what am i trying to say - do i need to say anything - am i saying too much - i can say or not say whatever i want - the corner of my studio where my paintings pile up really don't care. maybe i really need to head back into youth work. honestly, i'm pretty good at it.
i think i'm entering into the process - learning to trust that as i start to paint somethings become clear and some need to fade away. but maybe it's just a trick i'm playing with myself.
i think i'm searching, discovering - but maybe i just want to believe that so badly that i can't create space for other alternatives.

maybe some day i will figure something out and then just be in it - not need to constantly question - not always having to doubt. maybe i will have one answer in one small place in my life.
maybe then i can stop smoking.

conversations from different directions...

...can lead to the same place.

it can start with the expressions of what feels like emptiness in your life. and yet - that moment where they become a conversation you now have company along a journey. then you see the emptiness become a fulfillment - one outside the definitions of where fulfillment derives from.
these are the conversations where you have to pick up the words you have heard; hold them; display them; make sure that they transform you.